Have you ever felt like your faith was strong enough to save someone only to find your dreams crushed? I have.
I come from a big family and I have always wanted a big family myself. When asked how many kids I want, the honest answer is as many as my husband will allow. Then I want to adopt.
I love being a mom. Being pregnant always came easily to me. I love the feel of a growing belly and all the first moments. I love imagining what the baby will look like then God blowing my mind, making them even more beautiful.
So when I found out I was pregnant after a miscarriage the month before I was so excited. I recorded K reading a handwritten note letting him know the news. I told my parents and I hung a frame on the “grandchild wall” at my parent’s house. We were having a baby! I was determined to grow this baby in love not fear so I boldly shared the news with my friends confident that everything would be okay.
On Wednesday, July 25th while on the phone with my friends I felt it. The first sign that I was going to lose the baby. I got off the phone woke up my mom and asked her to take me to the hospital. We waited, the doctors ran tests, then they apologized for my loss and sent me on my way. I was losing the baby. I stopped bleeding once we left the hospital. I stayed in bed for three days. There was Hope.
I kept being reminded of the scripture in John 11:35 Jesus wept. In this passage, Jesus friend Lazarus died the situation was beyond hope. Jesus wept. Then Jesus raised His friend from the dead. I took this as confirmation that Jesus would save the baby.
The kids prayed over my womb and did all they could to keep my tears at bay. This was a side of them I hadn’t seen much of. They got to take care of mommy. They wanted the baby too and they did their best to help K take care of me. July 28th, Saturday morning we went in to have my blood tested I couldn’t wait any longer. They were going to tell me the good news. The baby was fine!
The doctor comes in reads my test results and says, “Your numbers have dropped substantially. I am so sorry, you are losing the baby.” I was so confused. What do you mean? If my numbers were dropping I should have been bleeding. Right? I should have had some sign. The numbers dropped right into the range of low normal for the number of weeks I was. So there may be Hope. Right?
There was that scripture again, “Jesus wept.”
Sunday, July 29 I lost the baby. I was home. I was with my husband and mother and as I held this tiny precious Hope in my hands. That’s what we named the baby, Hope.
I was so mad! This was the first time in a long time I could remember being mad at God. I did all the right things. I prayed! I had faith! I stayed positive! I had Hope! I know there are songs that say, “if God never does anything else for me He has already done enough.” I know I am supposed to say, “All things work together for good.” At that moment I was just crushed.
Jesus wept. I wept.
I needed clarity, understanding, some closure. Something!
This is what I got. Jesus wept, meant Jesus knew my heartbreak. Jesus wept, meant I wasn’t in it alone. Jesus wept, meant He could have but He didn’t. And it was ultimately for His glory.
Jesus could have prevented Lazarus from dying but didn’t. He chose instead to let him die, then raised him from the dead. I don’t know what is going to raise out of this situation, but I do know that it will be for the glory of God. God is sovereign.
My Hope is no longer in me. Hope cannot be based on my actions or my faith. When I think of the situation now, I remember an old song, “My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus love and righteousness, I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name.”
I am at peace, and I know that something wonderful will be.
**I felt bad for grieving because I already have three healthy, beautiful, children but my loss was, in fact, a loss. If you are grieving and in need of a safe space to share your story, you found one. Feel free to leave it in the comments below.**
Well the cat’s out the bag! K got a promotion and we are moving to beautiful San Diego. This means two things for you
1. Our in-person class on Living Your Purpose Today will be postponed.
2. The class will now be offered as a webinar series! Be sure to subscribe here at at leeanahjames.com for the latest details.
**If you registered for the class your refund has been issued.**
We are so excited to move and will be documenting our move and sharing it with you on our podcast. We are also collecting footage for our YouTube channel which we are hoping to relaunch in a few months.
This is such a busy, big, exciting adventure we are embarking on. We cannot wait to share it with you. If you think of us, pray for us!
It’s 9:24 p.m. on a Tuesday and I am tapped out.
My grace cup is empty.
At this point, I spent the day being Wife, Mom, Auntie, caretaker, dishwasher, waitress, daughter, and more.
I’m snappy, irritable, and frustrated.
I have deadlines that are quickly approaching and little desire to meet them.
This is not like me.
This feeling of apathy is a result of my grace cup being empty.
I have a grace cup.
This is the cup from which I pour my love.
My don’t worry about it,
…they probably didn’t mean it that way
My these kids are only going to be little for so long.
My he really needs me to support him right now and not vent about my day.
This is the cup from which I pour my kisses for boo-boos
…and kisses for love.
This is a cup from which I pour my understanding of the disease,
…and mediating yet another seemingly insignificant argument.
This cup is running dry.
There are times and seasons in my life where it seems as if this cup is attached to a never-ending spring.
Where it is connected to an automatic refill button that allows me to continually walk-in strength and joy and love.
My grace cup during the season sometimes feel like a pool, a lake, dare I say ocean.
I have people stop and compliment me on how patient I am with my children rather than the behavior
of my children which causes me again to pour grace from my grace cup.
My grace cup is also for me. I pour it on myself when I’m too exhausted to say, “Yes.”
I pour it on me when no, is the only answer yet it leads to disappointment sometimes even my own.
Then there are seasons where my grace cup is depleting faster than it can be filled.
When it feels like a cup, a teacup.
I get stingy with it.
Like I’m running out and I won’t have enough.
I’m parched, I thirst for it but I don’t want to sip too much,
lest I run out because someone may need some grace.
It evaporates like steam from the pressures of self.
It is during this time I am reminded that my grace cup can only be disconnected by me.
My grace cup is never left behind,
but it can be moved.
My grace cup dries from lack of study,
The remedy is simple
It requires space, time, and peace.
This peace does not necessarily come from silence,
it does come from being in an environment of total freedom.
For me, that is through my pen.
It’s through being in His presence and writing what I hear,
It’s observing and absorbing.
It’s the acts of empathy in the form of compassion for myself.
Excuse me as I refill my cup.
2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
When can you tell your grace cup is getting low? How do you re-fill your grace cup?
Be sure to sign up for a free kids activity here.
The CHEA (Christian Home Educators Association) Convention was amazing! I arrived on Thursday afternoon. As a vendor, things were pretty slow. As a participant, the fun was just getting started. The first day there was a homeschool class offered for new homeschooling parents for free. This was a great class for those who are looking to homeschool this year or even in the next few years. It provided a lot of resources and affirmation on the importance of homeschooling. I even had a few friends drive in for love and support.
They also opened up the used homeschool curriculum room which had free homeschool curriculum that was used by other parents for you to grab and use. This was extremely generous and encouraging. Towards the end of the night, more people came into the Exhibitors Hall to purchase products it was slow but very peaceful you could just feel this love it was a great first day.
The next day, Friday was a crazy day for me I woke up early in the morning got to my booth and there were people there who were excited to buy my products because they download the CHEA app and looked at my websites ahead of time. Some people had questions, others just wanted to purchase products and a few were coming to get the time of my first class.
My first class started at 2 on that Friday and was full. I don’t get a lot of product reviews on Amazon so it’s really affirming for me to hear in person that my work is touching lives. I taught the integrating cultural diversity class next and had the sweetest little helper demonstrate the mancala board for me. I ended the night with bloggers night out and I was so honored to even be considered to be on the panel.
These women are world shakers when it comes to being social media influencers, homeschool, and faith-based bloggers. One mom has a YouTube channel called Master BuildersMaster Builders completely dedicated to building these amazing Lego creations with her kids. Another mom Melanie Young is a best-selling author who wrote the book Raising Real MenRaising Real Men with her husband Hal Young. Kristi Clover (the organizer) is a homeschool rockstar! These women are living my dream life so the fact that they considered my feedback valuable was a huge encouragement to me.
I look at my life and I think I’m trying. I’m trying to be an author. I’m trying to be a blogger. I’m trying to be an influencer. I’m trying to be an entrepreneur, but then I look at my schedule I see that I’m actually doing it. I’m doing the things that I set out to do and as long as I maintain my first objective which is to help others by sharing the love of Christ, He always opens doors.
Friday night we sold so many books. People attended my class and wanted to purchase products, as a result, we also started pre-selling the Integrating Cultural Diversity Curriculum which is going to be released at the end of August. Of course, we did the Mom Card Project as well, which receives such a sweet response.
I always get one or two people during events who are really going through a hard time trying to manage their emotions. It’s such a blessing when they see our projects like the Mom Card Project because it’s a reminder that they’re not alone. People aren’t always going to say, “Hey! I have an issue going on. I’m feeling lonely,” or “I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling like I’m not being supported” but they may stop and pen a quick note to another mom letting them know they are not alone. So the Mom Card Project is a real blessing to people and it really makes people feel connected. I always tell people they don’t have to include their personal information but more and more moms have told me that they’ve included either their email address or their phone number just in case the mom that they send their card to needs somebody to talk to.
Let me just back up and say my husband is amazing. This convention fell on his birthday weekend so Friday morning he took off work, not for his birthday but to come out and support me. He spent all day at my booth, selling my products, while I ran around to speak at all of these different locations in the convention center.
He didn’t rumble or complain one time and I had people stop me and tell me how in love my husband is with me just by the things that he was saying about me. I tell you this man is so amazing. The way he supports me is unbelievable.
Saturday morning was the last day of the convention. This day wasn’t very long CHEA Con was wrapping up with things like graduations for the high school graduates, different concerts put on by homeschool musicians and the last of the classes and workshops.
On Saturday night we decided to go to dinner and a movie alone, it was wonderful. Just being able to be with my husband and spend time with him and really just enjoy each other’s company was pretty cool. We are moving into a season where we are not going to have as many opportunities to get away as we do now, so it was nice to kind of have this precious time with him. I found some amazing products at CHEA Con but they are going to get their own post because I really enjoy the kind of value they’re going to add to our home school year this year. This was my CHEA Con experience and I am so excited for next year.
Make sure to check out the links in this post you will be blessed.
I am so excited to announce we have officially launched the Melanin Taught Podcast. Our schedule is set to release new episodes on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesdays. We will be talking about all things homeschool related. Everything from school schedules to racism. If you have some topics you want us to weigh in on. Drop a message in the comments and look out your question may be featured. Click one of the links below to listen and subscribe.
I hope you enjoy it! Be sure to like, comment, and share!
I arrived at the Ontario Convention Center around noon on a Thursday to set up my booth. There were tons of vendors who were doing the same. It was really cool to walk through and see what everyone had to offer. There was one booth in particular that caught my eye Lux Blox (In fact look out for a review on them soon). I quickly stopped by and promised I would be back. I later went back to get the Super Sampler but now know I should have gone with the bigger package.
When setting up my booth I had three sections I wanted to focus on:
Book sales were my priority because they are the bread and butter for my business. I sold my book How to Lead with Emotional Intelligence and took pre-orders for my new release How to Lead Teens with Emotional Intelligence. I found that many parents preferred to buy my book for leaders and share the information with their teens rather than wait for the pre-sale to come out in August. The book sales were great. I had the opportunity to pray with readers and I had one lady open the book, read, a page and burst into tears. I love seeing peoples lives touched by what God has shared with me.
I also started taking sign-ups for an in-person class I am teaching geared towards helping people discover their purpose. All in all, product sales were really good.
The Mom Card Project brought a lot of people to the booth and gave moms an opportunity to connect with one another after the convention. It was so beautiful to see moms pour their hearts out via pen.
Encouraging other moms to keep going and reminding them they are not alone.
Lastly, the Brown Bag Project was really cool. Kids loved coloring brown paper bags to fill up and give to the homeless. There is a wonderful lady at my church who has a homeless ministry. The decorated bags will be passed on her and her team.
This convention I taught on Emotional Intelligence. My class had a great turn out. I had some technical difficulties at the beginning with the convention centers equipment but they sent someone in to work out the kinks and it turned out all right.
Another cool booth that caught my eye was a financial services company called Revolution Financial Management. First, this family is so loving. The love of God just oozes off them, Second, they know their stuff. K attended a class they taught on generational financial security and got a card to meet up with them.
The final booth I want to mention is Money Muchkids. I met the creator and founder Victoria who is committed to empowering and educating children through her curriculum. This program is designed to teach kids about money and the younger they learn the more comfortable they are with money in the future. I want my kids to make wise choices so I would rather they make a bunch of money mistakes now, with fake money,
If you are looking to be a vendor at this conference the traffic was pretty slow compared to the convention in Texas. If you are looking to attend this conference to shop the slow traffic may appeal to you giving you time to stop and chat with the vendors and not feel rushed. This also may equate to smaller class sizes giving you the opportunity to ask questions.
If you went to the convention what was your favorite booth and why?
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